All hail Comandante Tedward Techy

From the rank and file of the band of Luddites would rise one such hero to unite the various factions of all anti-phonefuckers. While billions of people of every nationality and sexual preference had been enslaved by the accursed iFuck (a rather clever title coined by the Luddites after the initial beta testing of the iPhone5 and eventual release of the iPhone6 Assassin Model. People thought it had a "badass" name, but little did they realized the deadly reality behind it. Wow, what a long parenthetic display of information...), there still was a core contingency of rebels spread throughout the world needing a united battle cry. Techy swiftly rode through the ranks, smashing and obliterating iFucks with his precious-metal stained, American made steel-toe work boots and crude iron mallet. Into battle he marched, mallet in one hand, the proud banner of the Luddites fluttering in the wind, in the other. On the banner bore an image of the vile Assassin Model (LED touchscreen/fuck-hole/cyanide syringe vividly illustrated) on the verge of its own destruction; an oversized hammer of Thor hovering above its head, swung by the mighty arm of Luddites everywhere. After the battle had been raged, the tattered colors driven into the ground in triumph, Techward Alluwicious Techy declared himself the ruler of the Free Peoples of Middle Earth...wait, hold on. Wrong story. Something about fuckable phones are whatnot. Forget about it.